Lately (especially these days), I’ve been so tempted to write a long bitch fest of a post. But, this is supposed to be a “professional” blog, and it wouldn’t be very “professional” to dump a crap-load of negativity out into the open.
But, you know what? It’s MY blog… and I call the shots! I’m going to dump out all of the negative feelings that are pulsating through my veins right now. Maybe if I release the negative feelings through words, they’ll all go away…
Family tragedy sucks
Yes, of course, this should be no surprise that I miss my dad… a whole lot. Yesterday made two weeks since I last saw him, and Saturday will be the two-week anniversary of the accident that stole him from our lives. Somehow, during the first week following the loss, I was able to channel the strength necessary to honor him the way he deserved to be honored. Had I fallen apart then, I wouldn’t have been able to stay clear-headed enough in the memorial planning. Our family also instinctively knew the right things to do during that first week – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And, we had a whole lot of support.
These past few days, however, I’m feeling a lot of sadness and increasing anger. I know that’s all part of the grieving and healing process. But, I seriously feel like I’m on steroids right now. I want to find (or create) a bumper sticker that reads: “Slow down, asshole.” Or, “Watch where you’re going dip-shit!” and stick it on Lucy’s bumper. (Lucy is my car.)
And, just wait until someone honks their horn, as they impatiently wait for me to safely make a left-turn across traffic. I’ll stick my fist out of the window and give them the Italian sign for ______ (you know what), like it’s nobody’s business.
(… Well, maybe. Hopefully, I’ll hold back. After all, people here in the Southwest carry guns like they carry gum – what do they think they are, cowboys? – and I’d like to continue my trend of “never been shot.”)
Okay. Yeah, so there’s that. The “anger.”
Don’t sweat the small stuff, right?
Last week, I had this euphoric connection to my spiritual essence. All of the things that would normally annoy, irritate or scare me seemed so insignificant. I figured this was the “something good” that supposedly comes out of a terrible situation.
This week, however, the small stuff is annoying me – a LOT! Again, I know this is all part of grieving… but I’m talking about stuff that annoyed me before my dad’s death. Why is this crap STILL annoying me?
Can’t a girl catch a break?
As I get closer to that BIG birthday this year, I feel more pressure to get it done. The awesome, rewarding career. The healthy lifestyle. The feeling of not needing the approval of others. The lifestyle that allows me to actually stop and enjoy life…
Once again, I’m in this limbo of “I don’t knows.” They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, I feel like I’m continually doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again (even if it’s in a different package), and expecting different results. Clearly, I’m insane.
Free to be me
One thing that I know for certain is that I need to stop trying to stuff myself into the mold of the rest of the world. And, it’s about freakin’ time that I start expressing myself… in my art, in my blog and in my life choices. I’ve always been one who danced proudly to another tune. But, I don’t think the tune is turned up loudly enough. It’s time to crank that $hit up!
There was a time when I used to actively seek out passion. I surrounded myself with Mother Nature… explored new interests… connected with new people… and found a cause. It’s pretty obvious that I need to do all of that again.
I know what I need
The “healed” stage of the grieving process is going to take a while to reach. I know that. And, it will take some time before I have the mental clarity needed to make my next move. In the meantime, I’m going to give myself plenty of opportunities to create (because that’s why I’m on this planet, after all… that’s why EACH of us is on this planet). And, I’m going to spend loads of quality time with my mom and brother. And, maybe, eventually, I’ll find a grieving support group. It would be nice to connect with others who get it.
I’ll be okay
It’s always the hardest times in our lives that show us what we’re really made of. Through that perspective, I can shout from the top of my lungs, “I can’t wait for what’s around the corner!”
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